Wifebeaters get all the hot chicks

As promised, your Monday celeb hookup/break up.

Petra Nemcova and Sean Penn? Last I heard she was dating James Blunt and he wasn’t even divorced all the way yet. One would think it would be hard to pick up supermodels when you were charged with felony domestic assault, but in all fairness he was only convicted of misdemeanor assault and it was on baby thief singer/actress Madonna, so he gets a point in the plus column in my book. Keep in mind that he is 20 years older than her and has roughly twice the drug dependency. Christ, this guy looks like he was dug out of a Civil War graveyard. Also, I think he is wearing the heels in the picture above, but I can’t confirm that yet.

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Tags: SeanPenn, Madonna, Petra Nemcova,

don’t mess with Jimmy Kimmel or he will do your best friend

Matt Damon is to Jimmy Kimmel as Brad Pitt($1) is to The Lenny and Jonny show. The only difference is I get a dollar from Pitt’s($1) publicist every time I say his name. Kimmel is just mean to Damon. This video is where it all started way back in 2006…

That in turn led to the Sarah Silverman video from the Jimmy Kimmel show where she tells Jimmy, who is her boyfriend, via music video that she is f*cking Matt Damon. If you didn’t see it yet, watch it here, its pretty funny…

Well, Jimmy has showed that he will crush you with star power. And he is f*cking Ben Affleck. (I think we’ve all been getting f*cked by Be Affleck for a while now.-ED.)

Robin Williams, Don Cheadle, Harrison Ford, Brad Pitt ($1), Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate (apparently star class wasn’t a pre requisite), Benji and Joel Madden, McLovin, Meatloaf, Joan Jett(!!!!), Huey Lewis, Perry Farrell, Macy Gray, and Josh Groban all came together to take Jimmy’s side in what could have been the funniest thing to come of the writers strike. Best line: “When I’m f*cking Ben Affleck I feel like I can fly”. Truer words have never been spoken.

This was way funnier than Conan, Jon Stewart, and Colbert having the worst pretend fight in history.

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Live blogging the Oscars

I’ll be updating live, stay tuned.

-Holy crap, George Clooney’s girlfriend is way too hot for him.

-The writers are apparently getting their revenge by writing the worst shtick they could come up with. It can’t be easy when you job is to make Jon Stewart funny about something other than Dick Cheney.

-How many times are they going to pat themselves on the back? At this rate they will get to Best Picture some time around Tuesday morning.

-We should all feel better about ourselves, most of America reads on a higher level than every presenter so far except for Dwane “The Rock” Johnson. Jennifer Hudson was the perfect example of an epic fail. It was like a commercial about the benefit of private schools.

-I’m still pulling for Viggo Mortensen’s junk as a late addition in the Best Supporting Actor category

-Great, an acceptance speech in spanish. I knew I shouldn’t have taken french in high shcool.

-Salute to Binoculars, periscopes, and bad screams. You got me that time Oscar, you got me.

-$10 to anyone who actually saw the winner of best short film.

-The flashbacks are like watching an homage to poor taste in hair and dresses. I can’t help but think the big name designers all sit together during the Oscars to have a contest to see who convinced someone famous to wear the ugliest dress. (Jennifer Garner is in the lead this year so far IMO)

-Tilda Swinton looks like either the worlds best female Conan O’Brien impersonator or England’s toughest ginger transvestite

-HANNAH MONTANA!!!!! zzZZOMGZZzzz RoTfloLoliPoP!!!!!1!!!!!!!11!@!!!!1!!

-Dear Oscars,

there is a reason I didn’t watch Enchanted. This is it.

Sincerely, Jonny O

-Fact: Wii tennis isn’t that cool.

-Fact: Jack Nicholson creeps me the F out

-They need to hurry with the honorary Oscar recipient Robert Boyle, he has to be back at the morgue by 8:30

-Oscar commercial update: Steve Gutenburg is going to be on dancing with the stars. That just made my….life.

-They might as well title the Best Foreign Film category Bathroom Break.

-Fuck. You. Enchanted. Why won’t you just leave me alone.

-YEAH!!! SUCK ON THAT ENCHANTED!!!!! The Damien Rice Tribute Band just ROCKED you!

-I could listen to the girl from Once talk all night.

-Cameron Diaz makes Jennifer Hudson look like a guest speaker at a linguistics symposium.

-There was loose talk of renaming this years Oscars to “The Amy Adams Show” but they coudn’t get signs made in time.

-Did Harrison Ford have a stroke and I didn’t know about it?

-Hey Atonement, you were overhyped due to the fact that Keira Knightly might or might not have shown her goods in the fountain scene and you paid the price.

-Anyone that tells you they understood the ending of “No Country For Old Men” is lying to your face. True story.

the round up:

Best Original Screenplay: Diablo Cody, Juno
Best Adapted Screenplay: Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country For Old Men
Best Supporting Actress: Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton
Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men
Best Actress in a Leading Role: Marion Cotillard, La Vie En Rose
Best Actor in a Leading Role: Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Best Director: Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country For Old Men

Eminem thinks his fans can read

U.K. publisher Orion Publishing Group announced Friday that they will be releasing Eminem: The Way I Am on Oct. 16 in Great Britan where, apparently, Eminem still has a fan base. After five albums and a movie, countless court reports, and a couple of police blotters, how many more mediums can this guy cry to us in?  The next step is the Eminem interpretive dance and Marshall Mathers on Broadway.

Here is a quote from the release by Orion Publishing, who seems to think people care about a fat white rapper that is approaching middle agedness:

“Everyone has their own take on Eminem. Because of where he is from, people think they know where he is at, what kind of person he really is. This book cuts through all that and gets to the source,” said Orion senior commissioning editor Ian Preece. “It has an edge. It’ll be one of the books of the year.”

Its funny, I was at a yard stomping just the other day discussing which was better, Step Up 2 The Streets or You Got Served (Honey was a dark horse in the debate-ED) when one of my boys said “Yo, I don’t think we really got the whole story about how Marshall’s mother didn’t love him enough and why that led to Kim straight trippin’ on him and how that affected his prescription pain killer addiction. I mean for reals, all he wants to do is love him some Hailie. Cuzz, if I could read above a 3rd grade level I would totally check out a book about what its like being The Real Slim Shady.” And then he spun on his head and popped and locked until the rec center was saved. It was his finest hour.

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Minnie Driver will f-ing cut you for a cupcake

I try not to read TMZ. I really don’t care about celebs getting off of planes at LAX. Sometimes though, they have a really funny story. TMZ has a video of Minnie Driver getting all huffy while waiting in line at NYC’s Magnolia Bakery to get some little bitty cakes. She was not pleased at all about having to wait in the line and then proceeded to CUT EVERYBODY! Apparently the person in the front of the line didn’t declare “no cutsies”. That kind of thing is crucial people. Its right up there with the No Take-Backs Accord and the International Dibs Protocol.

I don’t know how stars put up with the camera guys. Its no wonder that about every 6 months Hugh Grant throws take-out at someone with a video camera.

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The (internet) radio sucks again

To all of the fans of the Lenny and Jonny Show, thank you for two years of dedicated listening and support. You helped make the show one of the most popular on the station and I got to make lots of great friends with some of our fantastic listeners (I’m talking to you. Yes! YOU!) that would IM in to us during the show and talk about celebrity gossip among many topics with us.

I am sad to say you will no longer be hearing the Lenny and Jonny Show on The BIRN. We had a good run, but The Powers That Be have reformatted the time to a Caribbean Reggae show. I know, I know. Don’t get me started.

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Aaron Carter smokes bones in the back of the Benz

Normally I wouldn’t contaminate my blog with an Aaron Carter story. Or a Nick Carter story. Maybe a Clarence Carter story, but only to make a joke about butt sex. The point is Aaron Carter was arrested in Kimble County, Texas yesterday for having over two ounces of pot in his car when he was pulled over for speeding on I-10. He spent last night in jail and will appear before a judge for arraignment today. Can you imagine being Aaron Carter’s cell mate? You’d either have the safest bung in the jail or the most at risk, I can’t decide yet.–that was a burn.

My super sleuthing skills have detected that the street value of 2 ounces of the wacky weed is about $350. I may be wrong on that, but I haven’t exactly bought pot lately to compare the price. This body is a temple my friend, and if I do drugs Rachel Leigh Cook will come to my house and smash up my kitchen.

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You win again, Orlando Bloom

The biggest topic this week in celeb hook-ups has been Orlando Bloom and my personal favorite Victoria’s Secret model, Australian Miranda Kerr. There is a little more to the story though. You see, she won’t admit to dating him. Here is what People found out…

The undercover lovers were recently outed, when they were spotted on a PDA-filled date at New York’s Max Brenner restaurant. “They were just being playful and kissing and hugging,” recounted an onlooker. “He’s a sweetheart and that’s all I’m gonna say,” Kerr said, blushing. “Sweetheart.” Did the two spend Valentine’s Day together? “I can’t tell you,” she replied with a laugh. “I work for Victoria’s Secret – but that’s my secret.”

I can’t blame her for not wanting people to know she is dating a guy that looks like a whimpy John Mayer and talks with a fake accent (I’m looking at YOU Madonna…). A little known fact for you, Miranda and I were born on the same day. And are destined to be together.

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Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore ate poop

see how I did that? I wrote an engaging and racy title so you would HAVE to read the article. Sneaky, I know. I tricked you with trickery!

This is what OK! Magazine said…

Ashton Kutcher’s birthday bash has turned into medical nightmare.

A bartender at the New York club Socialista, where his wife Demi Moore hosted an A-list bash, has tested positive for Hepatitis A, the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene announced today, meaning Ashton and his guests need to get tested too due to exposure. “In response to a case of Hepatitis A in a bartender at Socialista in Manhattan, the Health Department today notified patrons of the exposure and urged them to get a hepatitis A vaccination as a precautionary measure,” the Health Department statement reads. “Hepatitis A is spread by putting something in one’s mouth (even though it might look clean) that has been contaminated with traces of fecal matter from an infected person. Any patron who visited the establishment after 8 p.m. on February 7th or 8th, or after 10 p.m. on February 11th (the times the infected person worked after becoming infectious), is considered to be at risk and needs a preventive shot. ” Those in attendance at Ashton’s Feb. 7 party included Kate Hudson, Madonna, Bruce Willis, Lucy Liu, Liv Tyler, Roberto Cavalli, and past OK! cover boy Eric Dane and his wife Rebecca Gayheart.”

I would like to draw your attention to the line that says “that has been contaminated with traces of fecal matter”. Thats poo-poo people. Butt paste. Shit. And it wasn’t just Demi and Ashton. Kate Hudson, Madonna*, Bruce Willis, Lucy Liu, Liv Tyler, and some people I have never heard of before could maybe, possibly, not-likely-but-still-worth-checking-out-because-chances-are-good-you-might-have-licked-a-poo-covered-straw, have the HEP too.

What the hell kind of party was this anyway? Was it a 2 girls 1 cup themed birthday party? If I were to ever be offered and invitation to a Kutcher/Moore party I don’t think I would even be polite in turning it down, because I’m not into the kinky stuff. I am a passionate lover.

* Those of you who listen to the radio show know that I am greatly pleased by the fact that Madonna might have ingested shit. I don’t care what anyone says, she stole that baby.

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